Goddamn, Seer, you eat a lot of candy.

I know I’m a candy fiend. This isn’t news, nor is it a secret. I decided to take a portrait of all the candy and cookies in my house. Note that this was three days after I bought the four boxes of Tagalongs, and only two are left. That shit is good. And I used to sling them when I was little, so I always support our scouts and buy cookies from them whenever I see them. Actually, I’m halfway through the third box at the time of the photo. I’m also two-thirds of the way through the pack of Pocky (there are nine packs of six in there), and two-thirds done with the candy bar. Only two Reese’s eggs–maybe three–have been eaten. There are two bags of six present.

Candy and cookies in my house

All the so-called "foods" I will soon devour

Then I bought these today.

Reese's Minitures bag

Yeah, I re-upped today.

Yeah, I re-upped. See, these are the opposite of the Reese’s eggs. The eggs have the largest peanut butter-to-chocolate ratio, and these have the smallest. I wanted to explore both. Basically, I’m a glutton. Sloth and gluttony are my favorite of the seven deadly sins, but the way to my heart is definitely through my ego.

So I calculated the calories of this entire feast according to the nutritional labels of the shit.

The total calories of all servings–because I don’t share–are 14,643. The total from fat are 4834. I’m supposed to eat around 2,000 calories a day, according to the packages. Note that a serving of candy is about 44 grams. Search Google for 44 grams, and you’ll find that’s the size of a healthy gold nugget. Not that big.

This doesn’t include the old-timey Choward’s lemon mints, because there was no nutritional value on these bad boys.

I was really excited about them. I like novel candies. I bought ’em when I bought floor cushions and a new rug. Look at how cute they are!

Choward's lemon mints pack

I was also excited to try these old-timey candies I picked up when I was buying floor cushions. Always on the lookout for a fix.

One Choward's mint from the pack

Look at how nicely they are embossed.

How nice. They’re tasty enough. Kind of like Necco wafers. But only lemon. A little bland. But I’ll eat ’em all up.

I was also very excited for the locally made dark chocolate bar with the caramel-covered crisped rice inside of it. Doesn’t that sound delectable?

Total let down, man. I mean, the chocolate was smooth. But the foil was too thin and kept getting in the way of my enjoyment–I kept getting small bites of it. It didn’t come off cleanly. And you couldn’t taste the caramel at all. It was like a dark chocolate Crunch. Not worth $4.50. I know we can do better in the Yay Area.

Charles Chocolate bar

I was very excited about this locally made chocolate bar. You can see where my grubby paws have been at it.

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