Advice column: when there’s no chemistry off the bat

Dear Occipital Hazard,

I tend to date people who are bad for me, but with whom I have great chemistry. The sex is always fantastic from the get go! However, these relationships end badly–or never start at all. I’m just not attracted to nice people. Can I change my ways?



Dear Chemist,

Oh Honey, we have all been there. You see that fine piece across the room, and BAM! your loins are a-fire. But chemistry lies. Chemistry tells you that you know this person, you care about this person, this person cares about you, you’re safe with this person–really, this person may not even be a good fuck. I’ve had chemistry with little limp-dicked Catholicism-scarred porn addicts and those who were cunt-shy. The chemistry didn’t last from the ballroom into the bedroom. Chemistry? It’s overrated, Mon Cherie.

Edmund_Blair_Leighton_-_AdieuFor some people, too, chemistry gets wound around fear, or uncertainty. Sometimes those people can find help with those issues. Sex and fear? In my opinion, they should only be consensually played with together in plain sight. Cat-o’-nine-tails is what I’m talking about. A spicy sort of playing with fear, with clear boundaries. If you don’t know why you are afraid of your partner or sex, you might want to shine a light on that. There’s a lot of help out there. I’m not saying that’s your problem, just one that exists in the world.

I know, “nice” doesn’t sound sexy. But doesn’t it sound sexy to have someone rub your tootsies for you when you’re coming home tired? Sexy! How about having dinner made? Or remembering what your favorite restaurant is, and making reservations for your birthday. That’s hot. And those things? All nice, thoughtful, caring things. The kind of things a friend would do for you, your partner can do for you, too.

A partner can be a sexy friend. Have you ever had a really good friend who you realized you could have–or have–fallen in love with? That’s all you have to be open-minded to, baby. Just think: there’s a possibility that nice people could have something sexy to offer.

One more thing: you deserve an equal. You deserve your partner to be a loving person. You deserve someone who can give back at the same level that you give.

Happy hunting, baby!

Shake it,

Sheboygan Divine



  1. subWOW

    “Chemistry? It’s overrated, Mon Cherie.”

    You are a truth seeker!

    And “cunt shy”?! Thanks for that one too! LOL.

    p.s. Saw the above comment. Congratulations!

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