Willingness is hard. Putting one foot in front of another. Believing that I can actually do this, and when I don’t believe it, doing it anyways. Plodding through the impossible until it becomes the practicable but still improbable.
Someone helped me make a budget yesterday. How did it feel? Kinda like the fucked up drycleaner [who huffs paint off of dirty rags] from last week.
No, it wasn’t that bad. But I’ve been playing the Price is Right with my finances every month. Underbidding, overbidding, excited when I have something left at the end of the month.
So I finally faced reality and actually looked with the help of another human being, someone who is a bookkeeper. It was humbling (in the real sense of the word: the good and the bad both came to light–I’m not as good or as bad as I think I am) and shameful (despite her reassurances, and her willingness to show me her own finances as well, I still feel bad about being a spendthrift) and overwhelmingly positive. I felt empowered in the end. Really, I did. I also felt through and burnt and done for the weekend.
Willingness. I showed it by letting another human being see all my bills and my bank statements.
The point of the current budget was to get me out of the current apartment. I need to save if I want to have first/last/deposit, money to move my couch and some furniture, etc. I don’t have that now, and I hate withdrawing from the Bank of Mom. I don’t need to do it at my age and salary. There is a solution: just spend less than you earn, Seer. It’s like diet and exercise. I just need to know where I spend my money and pay a-fucking-ttention.
I won’t be able to move for two months on strict budget (that’s sweeping most nonessentials away), and four months on just regular budgeting. But either way, everything is paid and I’ll move. I’ll still be paying debt down, and I’ll be comfortable.
Willingness: I can continue to show it by living by a budget. It starts May 1st. So I still need to live mindfully until then.
The temptation to go to Trina is great. But the spirit must stay strong. Stay strong, little Seer. Stay strong.