Maybe this will help me mourn

I still miss you, man. My head hurts today. My head and my joints.

I couldn’t stop the crying this morning. I got dressed and got in the car to go to work and was crying so hysterically I came in and undressed and went back to bed. I didn’t make it to work. It’s hard to explain why he meant so much to me to them. I haven’t even told you why he meant so much to me. And no, we never got down like that. He was a friend, not a lover.

I’ll tell you one thing he did. Once, I called him when I was suicidal, about ten years ago. Maybe eleven. That’s part of my story, feeling that way. Going to that place. And he said that we would hang out until I didn’t feel that way anymore. So about four of us stayed together for about five hours until three o’clock in the morning and I was feeling stable enough to be alone. Staying up drinking cheap coffeeshop coffee, chain-smoking, playing cards, and talking. He kept me out of danger back then.

Yesterday, I realized I didn’t have any physical object to attach to my friend. I own nothing that belonged to him. (Wait, I might have a copy of Requiem for a Dream that I never read somewhere that I borrowed and never returned. He was a voracious reader, my friend was. More texture.) All of my photos of him are at my mother’s house, two hours away. I need to get them, but that means facing my mother whilst I’m still raw. So I went and bought a hoodie today to at least remember the sucky time in my life that is now. I have one from another rough time in my life, the time when someone recently stopped speaking to me, and it helps. It ties me back to this someone.

bee team hoodie

superFishal Bee Team Hoodie

I went to Upper Playground today and got one with bees with skulls for heads today. It’s called the Bee Team hoodie. The kid in the store must have thought I looked miserable–kid, I’m getting to the point where I’m older than the people who work in boutiques and their ilk. I was all business. I had looked at them online before, and I was pretty sure this was the one I wanted. I knew what size I was. I wanted to get to yoga on time. I was in and out in about seven minutes.

So now when I wear my new hoodie, I’ll think of him. It has a wonderful skull-patterned lining. Click on the hoodie to go to the site and see more pictures of it. If you give a goddamn about my new hoodie.

Skulls are one of my symbols. So are bees. I’m always thinking on death. Can’t help it. Shadow-sided. It’s just how I’m fashioned. Ever since my head broke, it’s more death than life in there. And I try so hard to be a worker among workers, instead of a star. Try to humbly do my part, like a little bee. I still want to be famous, just like Prophet Steven. Only he is, and I’m not. I just haven’t earned it yet, baby. I should give up the ghost. It lives on, though.

Anyhow. This hoodie, it combines both the skull and the bee. Excellent.

I miss you, man. Knucklehead. Why did you have to leave? Fucking bullshit.



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  2. subWOW

    Isn’t it weird that it somehow makes it easier to have something physical to hold on to, so we feel that the connection is still there? I was so happy to receive my aunt’s earrings from my cousin. They are not fancy but I feel better to have a piece of my aunt with me forever now.

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