I cruise the chocolate aisle at Whole Foods (a.k.a. “The Food Hole,” or “Whole Paycheck”) on the regular, looking for some new treat to dazzle and delight me. I thought perhaps I’d found one in Jer’s Original Incredibar. It’s a milk chocolate bar with peanut butter and crisped rice in the center. Now, I lean towards dark chocolate, but peanut butter is a weakness of mine. I will eat spoonfuls of the stuff plain. So I’m always on the lookout for a better chocolate peanut butter bar.
This is not it.
There are two smaller bars inside the package, so you get less product, but more chocolate-to-peanut butter ratio. I know some people prefer that. I just wish the smaller packages weren’t so damn small. Because they really are. They went down like nothing.
I think the whole thing might have tasted a little better if I hadn’t left it on my broken microwave. It won’t shut off anymore, so I have to leave it open all the time. Consequently, the lights are always on. So the bar got a little melted and possibly a tad stale in the two weeks or so it was on there. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
It was not appetizing looking at all. Maybe you think I’m too picky, but I paid four dollars for this shit. It should look decent. Some sort of pattern molded onto it. Even Snickers look uniform. See’s bars look better than this. Everyone’s chocolates look better than this! You eat with your eyes first. Plus it’s tiny.
The inside isn’t appetizing, either, but my real problem with it was how fucking bland it was. Peanut butter is supposed to add a virtuous saltiness to chocolate’s mellow sweetness. This peanut butter was too sweet. There was no crispness in the center as promised. The chocolate was waxy and sticky (stickiness was probably due to the microwave lights). Center was not creamy, but instead chalky and clumpy.
No, this was not a good piece of candy. It was edible, but I wouldn’t buy it again, nor would I give it 6 awards as the box boasted it had won. Except: if there were awards for small, mediocre pieces of overpriced chocolate, then blue ribbon, Incredibar. Congratulations on first-class suckitude. Yes, you win at losing.