On forgiveness

Lama Marut tells us that we can change the past. I was listening to an old podcast of his the other day while I was doing some lackadaisical yoga in my house and he asked his students if we could change the past or the future. Lama Marut says we can.

How? By forgiving the people we’re resentful of.

Holding onto resentment, he says, is like holding onto a burning ember. You’re hurting yourself. You’re not gaining anything but some sick enjoyment out of it.

Giuseppe Arcimboldo The Fire

Am I on fire with resentment today?

I know part of me fears there will be nothing left when I let go of all my sick habits. What will I be like if I stop talking shit? Will anyone still like me? What will happen if I’m not so angry all the time? If I stop procrastinating? If I simply forgive people, including myself?

Letting go of remembered hurts means the past isn’t so negative. It means I can stop ruminating over how fucked I got, what a raw deal happened for Seer, and how if you had lived the way I have lived, you’d act like I do, too.

Really, my childhood wasn’t so bad. My parents did the best they could with what they had. They never tried to get anything better, though. So I forgive them. I allow them to be human. I don’t take on what is theirs. I let them have faults, and I recognize where they could have taken better care of me. It’s okay to feel the anger, and let it pass. I experience my feelings, then I move the fuck on. I don’t wallow in them. I don’t forget what happened. But I don’t relive it every second of the goddamened day.

I fully believe when we don’t process things we are reacting to them every time anything similar happens to us. We become like an emotional jukebox. You push a button, I play a song. It doesn’t matter who pushes that button, I still play the same song. Some new friend can trigger a rejection classic by not responding to an email the way I want or expect them to, sending me into an internal spin, and the other person can have absolutely no idea what drama I am going through, all by myself. Inside, I’m feeling junior high, elementary school, sometimes earlier rejection episodes without knowing it. I feel abandoned. I feel I don’t measure up. I feel not good enough. That shit can run deep.

The solution? Forgiveness, acceptance, and love.  Aw, yes, so mushy. I need to forgive myself for being me. Me in the past, little Seer, who sometimes had problems navigating the world. Me in the present, who sometimes doesn’t move through things the way I think I should. I need to forgive others and allow them to be human, both in the present and in the past. People are just bumbling through this thing as well as they can. Sometimes they hurt me. I can move past that.

I can accept the state of affairs and people as they are. Refusing to accept the world–living in denial–isn’t getting me anywhere. I can strive for goals, but things are as they are. Getting butt-twisted about how they should be, or how they aren’t, or what I don’t have, isn’t helping.

I can love myself. I’m a whole lotta okay. I can give myself neighborly expressions of care. I went to yoga today, to a class I’d been wanting to go to. I ate a healthy lunch, with a mocha I made with Mexican chocolate as a nice treat. And now I’m going to clean the house. Good stuff. I can be grateful for all the shit that I have. I have a lot. I don’t have to focus on what I don’t have, I can lovingly focus on what I do. I have more than most. Life is pretty good. Just a little while ago it was a lot worse than now. Yes, my life is good.


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