Mailbag! Russian Bride edition

Jackie Kennedy throwing wedding bouquet

FROM THE OCCIPITAL HAZARD SPAM BOX:

Privet, my friend

Good morning My Darling, how are you? It truly is, such a marvellous
day! The sun shines brightly, in my heart for you. Can you not feel it
at all, in the same way? My love will be here so to sooth you
when you are worked out, feeling so tired. I’ll hold on to you always
My Darling. Be with me. I’m the right woman for you.
Take a look at me here  [URL REDACTED]
Together we can take on the world and give it such a real bloody nose.
But alone we will always feel like there is a part missing. I’ll live
out my life waiting for you, you will be my only Sweet-Pea. Love
inside me will never die for you, hoping you feel the same way. One
day soon we’ll be together, one day soon will be the right day.

Have a good mood
A.G

—–
Dear A.G,

Much has happened since we departed that summer’s eve four years, 8
months, 5 days, 3 hours, and 2.5 minutes ago.

In the past the mere notion of you and I giving the world a bloody
nose made the snake in my trousers rise more than a hair. But that was
before I was confined to a 6-by-8 girl-on-girl prison cell somewhere
in upstate Alaska.

Now I take my meals alone without your purported love to sooth me, and
spend my days doing eyebrow lifts in the yard, trying to make sense of
all of it. After our tryst, I went on a rampage and was later indicted
on several counts of pig laundering, traveling by flying raincoat, and
trying to sell feces to a minor, among other less grievous offenses.
The judge gave me a discount and reduced my sentence by 75 percent,
owing to the fact I was pregnant with your child at the time. (Our
son’s name is Emily and is currently working as a circus seal in North
Dakota, if you must know.)

It troubles me you are now seeking men between the ages of 26 and 52,
and have taken to speaking in both Russian and English. Though I
suppose we never knew each other quite as well as we pretended to, my
dear. I hope the syphilis we used to pass back and forth to each other
continues to give you the daily joy it so often gives me.

Additionally, I wish you would not tell me falsehoods. You tell me I
will be your only Sweet-Pea when I know for certain you have taken
many a Sweet-Pea since our parting, sometimes as many as four in a
night, and on occasion, two at the same time. I thought we were past
lying to each other.

Though I thank you for your hand-written, brothel-scented post, I must
decline any offer of love, or even good mood.

With regrets,

Your friend, Privet

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