Can’t save your ass and your face at the same time

Hieronymus Bosch- The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things - PrideI’m a proud little person. This episode has definitely been a blow to my self-image. See, I haven’t been locked up in twelve years, and I’m proud of that record. Now I’m starting over again.

I told a bunch of people tonight where I’d been a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t want to do it. As if they spend all their time thinking, Gee, Seer’s so great. She really keeps her shit locked down! Bless my stars, I don’t know what I’d do if she wasn’t so together. Really, when other people are comparing themselves to me, they’re more fucked up than I am. (Heaven help the poor fucks.) Or they take solace in the fact that I’m human, too, and that gives them permission to be fallible.

People also can’t help me if they don’t know that I’m hurting. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.

I know this. So why do I fight it? Why am I still so hung up on my image?

I know I’m not the only one in my circle who has a lot of pride. I’m drawn to people with a strong sense of self. Even when we’re not healthy, we draw a strong outline of who we are and we keep on truckin. I am getting better about letting people who are newer to me in. I don’t trust easily. Probably because I start from having no respect for people I meet, instead of from some respect. They start from zero and must earn all respect. Naturally, I trust no one. It comes from being raised by an alcoholic. I think most people who were raised by drunks are a little weird when it comes to trusting people. The people who were supposed to take care of us properly didn’t, so we had to take care of ourselves in a lot of ways. We still do, and don’t know how to let others do things for us that we don’t know we aren’t supposed to.

Another thing I do that I think is related is cover up my weaknesses really well. I didn’t want anyone to know there was anything wrong at home, so I didn’t say anything. Consequently, most of my friends didn’t learn until I was an adult that my dad was drunk all the time. I still cover up my hurt. I won’t tell people big things, like that I was in the fucking hospital. Because that would be a weakness. And I fear they would see me as a lesser human being.

But today I took a big step and told some people what had happened to me. I’ve been told that I can’t save my face and my ass at the same time. Which is more important? I’ve saved face for years and struggled with suicidal thoughts and incredible loneliness, though I was surrounded by people. I thought no one would ever accept me if they really knew what was going on.

I have gotten bare-ass naked with people and found out there is nothing that bad about me. Really, there isn’t. I’m not as terrible as I might think. I’m superfresh beyond belief. I’m not the awesomest, but that’s okay. (Just like there’s only one shittiest human being, there’s only one awesomest, and I don’t want to enter the Highlander’s fight to the death for that title. He can have it.) I’m sure you’re superfresh, too. Give yourself a pat on that sweet ass for me.

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