Aw man, something really ill happened to me.

Don’t look at the bottom of this post if you don’t want to see it. I’ll try to make it long enough so you can jump out of the RSS reader now if you don’t want to see something kind of ill. I’ll put enough text so it’ll be below the fold on your screen. I’ll put it under a jump now in the regular post, with the story, so you are completely free of gnarls.

I had a day that didn’t involve much eating. I’m still super sore from yoga (I really feel beat up), so I stayed in bed late, lolling about like a beached whale. But I needed to go to the dermatologist. Something has been up with my face, and yesterday I didn’t know what was wrong so I made an appointment. By today, I’d figured it out, but I didn’t want to get charged for an appointment and I didn’t think I could cancel it, so I went in anyways. I can’t use two of my products in combination. The two together make my skin light on fire, and then I’m running around aflame for several hours. It gives a lovely light, but then I’m all charred and the ashes get all over everything. It’s terribly inconvenient.

Anyways (I’m drawing it out so know you can bail–you might not find it that ill, but you may. Remember, what is seen cannot be unseen), I saw my esthetician. She’s so awesome. She said she’d been thinking of me for a few days after my appointment last time, because I’m her ideal client. She said she’s going to “fix my face.” She likes me because I’m such a trooper (because I took all that pain), and because she knows she can fix my acne. And she said the next time she saw me she was going to “farm me out,” which did sound nasty. That’s not it, though. That’s not it at all! And she said she was proud of me. Aw.

Then I tried to buy some lotto tickets. I missed today’s drawing, but found out later no one won, so I bought for tomorrow. I’m going to win this fucker one of these days! I won three dollars yesterday, FYI. Take that, probability, and shove it up your pee-pee hole.

Then I bought a lot of poison at the supermarket and knew that I was being judged for it by the person in front of me (grated cheddar cheese and danishes) and the person behind me (did not examine her purchases). Whatever. They can think I live in a roach-infested hell hole. Really, it’s bird mites. Okay? Bird mites.

Okay, we’re getting to the nasty bit.

Then I was hungry. What to eat?

I decided on sausages. I had some spicy Italian pork sausages I bought at Whole Foods that looked good. Organic. Already cooked, I just needed to heat them up. I split them down the middle, which I don’t normally do, because they aren’t as juicy, but I just did for some reason, and fried two up in a pan.

I was happily munching away, when I bit a bone. Gross. I spit it out. And it was the size of a dime, and all scored with knife marks, and jagged, and multicolored, and it looks a little like a whole fingernail. I know it isn’t, but it reminds me of one. It’s really, really ill-looking. I’ll be emailing pictures to the sausage company and asking them for my money back, please. I have the chip of bone in my freezer in a plastic baggie, in case they want it. It’s now been in my mouth in addition to a meat processing plant, so I don’t think they do.

I chose not to eat the sausages. If there’s that much bone in them, what else is in them? I mean, I know sausage is just lips and assholes, feet and eyeballs, but usually I don’t have to think about that. Right now, I do. But luckily, I was more surprised than nauseated. I took hella photos of it for about a half hour.

So I tried to eat a coconut yogurt (they cost two bucks a pop and are pretty good), and it was all runny and weird, so now I have to write these people and ask what the fuck is wrong with them, too. I want my two dollars. Two dollars! So now I’m eating crackers for dinner.

I know, pics or it didn’t happen.

sausage bone 1sausage bone 2Yeah…I am dumb or unaware or hungry enough to take a bite with that in it. I have bitten cutlery, my own teeth (you think that’s impossible? It happened to me the other day, and it shocked the shit out of me. My canines got in the way when my jaw was biting down misaligned. Don’t do that. Bite with alignment), and my fingers before. SEER HUNGRY.

What did you do today? Oh. Well, I’m glad no pig bones were involved.

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One comment

  1. Pingback: I’m so disappointed in you. And by “you,” I mean me | Occipital Hazard

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