We last left me in the middle of an advice column post. It’s about breaking up with friends. I’ve just handled one method, the confrontation method. My second method is letting friendships die a natural death. I will cover that now.
Die, Friendship, Die
This can be easy, or it can be hard. Sometimes, you just stop contacting the person, and they leave you alone, too. (Maybe they were even leaving you first and you didn’t notice.) Great! No more friendship! Is Jersey Shore on tonight? Fucking Sammi.
Sometimes you get to leave town at the same time. This makes it easier. You say you’ll keep in touch, when you really shouldn’t, because this is a lie. And then you don’t. Friendship eventually dies. Great! Fucking Sammi. God, I hate her. Sammi Sweetheart? More like Sourbritches!
Sometimes, the other person does not get that this thing is really over. They are not letting this die a natural death. You must not give into the temptation to be polite and throw the ball back. You are not participating in this relationship. Do not return emails. Do not comment on Facebook messages. Do not return phone calls. Do not participate in the relationship.
Yes, I know, this makes me sound like a cold-hearted, terrible person. But think of it this way: you aren’t the ex until you act like it. If you keep fucking your ex-boyfriend, you’re still in the relationship. If you keep talking to someone, you’re still their friend. If you have no interest in being a person’s friend, what the fuck are you doing talking to them? You aren’t doing them any fucking favors, gracing them with your false fucking presence. You, my friend, are a fucking phony. You’re a poser. Didn’t want to hear that, did you? You may even be two-faced, if you’re complaining to other people that “you just can’t stand X anymore,” yet you keep liking her comments and “LOL”ing at her stupid shit. Leave her alone. You’re stringing her along, like people play with lovers, possibly for the same reasons:
- they don’t want to be seen as mean
- they don’t want to be alone
- they don’t want to get a reputation for being a bitch/asshole
- they want a lot of people to like them (even if they don’t like these people)
- they want people to perceive them as popular
- they always want a backup in the wings in case every other plan falls through so they’ll always have someone to spend time with, even if they don’t like that person
Let these strategic people go. Be genuine with the people in your life. You may have fewer people, and there may be less free weed to smoke, but in my experience, you’ll be a lot happier, the people you’ll have will count and will be there for you when you need them, and you won’t have to laugh at jokes that aren’t fucking funny anymore. That’s freedom.
I’m not saying this is easy. Right now, there’s someone in my life who is pleading with me for contact. This is really hard. But I don’t want her in my life. She’s actually toxic for me, and that’s why I’m not in the relationship. Picking it up would be a very, very bad idea. The only reason I would talk to her would be to tell her to wipe her fucking ass, because I think she’s full of shit right now, and that’s not helpful. You don’t jump into people’s lives, tell them that they’re doing everything wrong, and by the way, leave me alone, and I’m out. You don’t jump into people’s lives and tell them to leave you alone. You just leave them alone.
It makes me very sad. We used to be tight, and we used to have something very beautiful, and I mourn that. But at the same time, I can pull out my memories of the good times we used to have, and remember the meals we had, and coffee, and laughs, and it’s okay. She’s an amazing person. And I’m sorry she’s hurting. But I didn’t do that to her. I’m not responsible for her life, her choices, or where she’s at right now. I wish there was something I could do to make everything okay for her, but really, I need to take care of Seer, not her. And taking care of me means not participating in this relationship. I would only cause her more pain by sort of being in it and sort of not. I don’t string people along today. I’m not in. I’m out. So I’m 100% out.
Yeah, so that’s the “Die, Friendship, Die” method. It’s easier when it’s just one connection you can neatly sever, but it can be done when there are other people in your circle talking to the person you’re not really talking to. Just change the subject when it comes up, or you can mention that you’ve grown apart from X and then keep it moving. You don’t need to get everyone into the nitty gritty of your business. Be polite when you see X in person, but never promise contact beyond the group setting.
If this thing really isn’t dying, this is a confrontation situation. See my last post.
The main point of all of this is that there is nothing wrong with relationships changing. “Loyal to a fault,” means it’s a fucking fault. There’s something wrong with it! Take care of yourself. Make sure you’re not loyal to a memory, to something that doesn’t exist anymore. You can leave. That doesn’t make you a bad person. You have choices. How you leave any relationship is also a choice. You can leave like a grown up today.
I believe in you. You can do this!
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