Warning: this mailbag is rough, rugged and raw. It’s really, really nasty. It will make you have the willies. You can bail now. You really can. I’ll make it really long here and will put something that will buffer you from the ill content. Just remember: I warned you, and what is seen cannot be unseen. I mean, compiling it icked me out. Medicalish of nature.
The next one won’t be like this. I promise. I couldn’t take it if it were.
Goodman’s Mouse Lemur will protect those of you in the feed. Everyone who wants to be disturbed, proceed.
Dear Occipital Hazard,
Is my brain infefcted?
I don’t know. Did you get your tongue pierced recently? That can actually lead to a brain abscess. And brain abscesses are no joke. I don’t want to alarm you, but language difficulties are one of the symptoms. Maybe you should call your doctor. Just to be sure.
Please help: my nostrils feel as though something is moving.
Thanks for your assistance,
I assume you don’t mean you can detect the movement of all things with your nose, as if you are some sort of X-Man-type mutant, but instead you mean things inside your nose are moving. I will combine this with the next extremely unsettling question:
Dear Occipital Hazard,
Do black worms live in people’s noses?
Okay, now you’ve got me worried, even though I found no such thing in my Kleenex just now. Let’s all take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay. We can move through this.
There’s a list of human parasites on wikipedia that thankfully has no pictures of them. If you click on the names of the creatures you will be greeted by a photo, so be prepared (horrible, horrible). I know it isn’t complete, because I’m being attacked by bird mites and those fuckers aren’t on there. So I did some more searching for you. I found a great site that includes information for people suffering from unusual and horrible parasites, and, brace yourself, on the forums they list at least three different nasal worms they have found, one black, one white, and one white with a red vein. Ugh! I have the shivers. I swear, I feel my nose crawling, and one of my ears and Eustachian tubes is tingling. I think I need to trim my nose hairs because every breath is making them move and I’m hyper aware of it and I’m going mad.
I am so, so, so sorry this is your world right now. I don’t doubt, however, that these people have found a way to get rid of these nasty little fucks. Here’s a link to their forum page called “Ask Humaworm: Parasites and Cleansing.” (Shudder.) Know that on this site they talk about Breatharianism and enemas and how fillings are killing you and shit, but they do have support for nasal worms, so there you go.
Ugh. So fucking nasty. Someone on one of the forums said she finds them coming out of her fucking tear ducts. I don’t know if I’ll sleep tonight or ever eat again.
Oh, and one other thing: COOK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FOOD. Wash your hands and your fruits and vegetables! After what I’ve just seen, I don’t know that I can eat sushi forever.
I told you this was ill. Why didn’t you believe me?
Dig this, Smicks:
An alien came out my nostril!
Whoa. I don’t even know what to say, except I’m glad it wasn’t worms! Are you sure it was an alien? Did you keep it? Can I see it? Upload pictures (clean it off, first) to your Flickr account and send me a link! I mean, if it ran away, then I completely understand why you don’t have pics.
Dear Occipital Hazard,
Why does my head feel like a balloon?
Maybe your brain is infected, or there’re worms in your nose, or an alien has taken up residence in your head. Or if you’re anything like people I have read about in rock’n’roll magazines, you’re on drugs right now. Downers and hallucinogens and empathogens especially can do that. So I’ve read. But you’d probably understand that, so I don’t think that’s the answer. If you’re like me, you’re dissociating, perhaps because things are traumatic right now. Because you have parasitosis. I would too! The mites are bad enough, and I’m winning the war. You can see a psychiatrist. Or a priest. Or a shaman. Or a drug counselor. Or NASA.
And here’s our last one! You made it.
Anyone put a neti pot in their bum?
Gen. Colin Powell
Um. There are actual things made for that. Maybe you shouldn’t improvise. Just for you, I did the weird-ass (literally) searching for enemas and found something that details how to do one without photos, erotic stories, naturopathy, stories of families doing them together, or colon cancer. This is actually extremely hard to do. Bravo for me. I guess you could just go back to the nose-worm site, too. They’ll set you straight with an ass bag. You can also get disposable little ones if you just need to take a shit. Or you can go get a colonic if you want. I knew someone in New York who used to get coffee shot up her ass every once in awhile. I don’t see how that can be good for you.
All right! Let’s throw the gloves and mask in the incinerator and wash up with iodine soap. Here’re some things that help me detox from the ill shit.
Polar bear cub!