Airtight reasoning: a woman cannot be president

So I know a lot of people are concerned, or excited, or just having feelings about the result of the straw poll that just came out. You may be looking into Vivos Shelters (which side of the door do you want to be on? I choose this side. I’ve been in the nuclear bomb shelters under the UCLA library leftover from the cold war, and I can’t go for that, no, no can do), or having a custom structure built. You may be considering emigration. Or joining or starting a UFO cult.

I’m here to give you the straight facts before you give anyone your money, blood or stool samples, or allow anyone to lay his/her/its/their eggs in your chest cavity (babies are forever!).

Cornelis_Cornelisz._van_Haarlem_-_The_Fall_of_Man_-_	1592First off, let’s talk Ames Straw Poll. It started in 1979. Only one winner of the thing has ever become president, and that was W on his second term. So winning it doesn’t mean Michele Bachman is destined to be our next leader.

Next, she’s a little far out in some of her views. Let’s remember that not everyone feels the same way about, say, the Renaissance. A lot of us feel that it was altogether great for art and society! Not everyone comes from such a niche place of Evangelical Christian faith. Serious, it’s a little weird. Benevolent slavery, intelligent design (sidenote: Jon Huntsman is the only Republican currently in the race who is on record as believing global climate change is man-made and evolution is for real. Did you know that?), Christians reshaping the law–it’s kind of extreme. Her videotaped comments on being submissive to her husband squick a lot of people out and make them question her fitness for office. A lot of people are uncomfortable with the queers, but most have a live and let live attitude, and don’t take your money or the government’s to pray away gayness. That’s the small business she and her husband make their money from. She also tells fibs. Her file on Politifact is not good.

At least one person thinks she is a viable candidate for president and finds this terrifying. He tells us not to underestimate her, and that we should all be terrified, too.

But I don’t believe this is the case. Why? The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse says so! It has to do with the Fall of Man. I can’t explain it myself very well, but women are the superior gender and therefore have to submit to men to make everything cool again. So yeah, chicks can’t rule. Check, and mate! Just listen to the Co-Prophet of the End Times. He makes Matlock look like Mr. Magoo. (Oh, yes, this is the same Silver Fox who told us that there was phallic, Satanist imagery hidden in the art at the Denver Airport, my eagle-eyed readers! You have memories like elephants. Blue ribbon for you.)

You’re welcome. Let’s all ride the crazy train for the weekend!

Quad City DJs –“C’mon ‘N Ride It (The Train)” (1995)

Baby, you looking tough to death
Got your weave done right, it’s on so tight…

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7 comments

  1. Absence of Alternatives

    I hope you are right. With all my heart. Thank you for calming my racing pulse. I guess the squeaky wheels get the media attention more and it is indeed more fun to keep on talking about Bachman to the point that I am convinced that ALL people on the right will vote for her. On the other hand though, my parents in law who I don’t believe are crazy actually WOULD vote whatever GOP candidate there is. So there is that.

    • Seer McRicketts-McGee

      We’re in an age of reality shows, and they’ve infected the political process. There’s a wonderful expression I use often: “If they’re all gonna be lookin at you, give ’em a show!” But I’m not running for president, so I can shake it like a Polaroid picture and try to teach Sparrow’s mom to do the same at Sparrow’s baby shower. I give the FedEx driver the finger when he cuts me off. I can act crazy in the supermarket.

      Remember the good old days, when we mocked Dan Quayle? Yeah, that was quaint. Today he’d be too competent.

  2. Pingback: I am the Prophet of the Spelling Test | Occipital Hazard

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