Why do I repeatedly engage with people who have historically irritated and misunderstood me? I’m putting one of them down as of today! One giant step for Seer. Seriously, fuck this guy, and fuck the fundamental need to love and be loved that’s coming out in a destructive desire to be understood by this fucking guy. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, he’s just a bad guy for me.
I wrote out the particulars and I realized they were boring. Bo-ring! So I took them away. I don’t care if I out where I know him from, but we interact exclusively online, so all of what happens between us happens in tiny comment chunks. If you want particulars, comment and I’ll give them to you.
So I don’t like this guy, and don’t think he likes me. That’s not the problem. The first problem is Jack will respond to a comment as if I have said something that I haven’t. The second problem is I feel my words are continually misinterpreted and then restated as if I have said something I didn’t say. The conversation may or may not move on as if I said them, but I get stuck on what I didn’t say. For example, I’ll say I think something is blue, and Jack will say, “It isn’t green,” or “Seer thinks something is green.” No, I never said that. The most infuriating is when Jack says, “Seer thinks something is green, and it’s red,” because then I feel to be truly understood, I need to argue against both fallacies. There’s also a subtle manipulation at play, when instead of stating an opinion of his own, he’ll say something like, “What’s missing from your statement is X,” or, “You almost have it,” or, “You are close,” instead of just stating what the hell he thinks as an independent thought. It’s bating, and frustrating–or is it? Perhaps I’m reading into it, because I’m so annoyed. Maybe he’s trying to ally himself with me, and tell me that my thoughts are close to his. I don’t know. All I know is I am tired of this.
And yet I still hold on to an ember of self-righteous indignation, and this weird, twisted hope that one day, one day I would be understood. I think I’m mostly rational. But our history shows me that:
- We have never gotten along
- Neither one of us is changing our minds greatly
- Neither of us wants to understand that other
- I don’t like him
- He’s no fan of me
- There’s no impetus for either of us to really come around to the other’s way of thinking, so this shit could continue ad infinitum
Then today, it happened again. And when I felt the adrenaline rush up and my ears get hot, I did something different. I still replied, but I folded my cards and walked away. I let him have all the chips. (What did I say? “Never mind.” That’s what I said.)
So tiring. Why waste this energy on someone I don’t want in my life anyways? I could be doing something way more important. Like leaving Ginger weird voicemails or making faces at myself in the mirror after I spend some time plucking my eyebrows like a tweaker. I could do those things for hours each day, really. And this cystic zit I have is a big commitment right now. Not doing anything about it, just talking to it, really. What? You don’t commune with the nature on your face? Okay. Let’s get back to the lecture at hand.
I don’t have to read racist YouTube comments. That’s a choice. I don’t have to reply to jackholes on the internet. That’s a choice. If I want to make myself unhappy, well, those are two great vehicles to drive myself to the Dumps.
Yes, the motivation that starts this, as I said, is the need to love and be loved. That’s cool. It’s when it gets twisted out of control by fear that I have problems. The fear gets in me, and amplifies my feelings. Suddenly, the feeling of being misunderstood by this one anonymous person starts to represent Every Time I’ve Been Misunderstood by Every Person Ever in the History of My Life. The stakes are in reality meaningless, but my fear amps them up to a task worthy of Hercules. If only I can be understood this time, it’ll cancel out every other time things weren’t clear. It’ll wipe the slate clean. All other human interactions from this point forward will be, if not happy, at least straightforward.
Of course, this is impossible, but fear isn’t a rational thing. It runs on emotions, and twists things like love, hope, and longing into hate, despair, and isolation. Because when I feel misunderstood yet again, I hate this dude for being who he has shown himself to be (and I don’t think it’s personal and he’s out to get me, I think he’s just living his virtual life on the computer), I feel like I will never be understood by another human being again, and I feel very alone indeed. If I look at my life as a whole, this is not representative of my experience. I have a lot of relationships that go very well most of the time. When there are hiccups and bumps in them, it is the exception, not the rule. But me, the pattern-making machine, I like to look at the last one or two things that happen, and say, “A-ha! See? Never understood!” This is simply not the case.
So yeah, I’m done with that dude. Let’s see if I can apply this lesson to more people who annoy. No more pigs and pepper for me!
Sorry this song doesn’t embed, but it is awesome and funky.
James Brown — “Talking Loud and Saying Nothing” (1972)